Learning to Live

It was January 2011. We had been waiting for a diagnosis for our son Jude. We were told it was more than likely Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. I had done a lot of looking up and was terrified. When it was confirmed I believe I just quit living.


  After Jude was diagnosed I put on a very good front. A lot of people told me your so Strong a lot of people would be freaking out. And I can't believe how well your handing this. Most of this came from the doctors and nurses and family. I am a pretty dam strong person. I can deal with a lot. I have dealt with a lot. I learned to be strong outside by my grandma. One of the toughest ladies I have ever known.  Dealing with it and dealing with it on the inside are 2 different things

  All the years dealing with the inevitable and the rest of the family's drama I lived in a dream world I guess you can say.  I was lost within myself. Going through the motions. Being who the expected me to be. Taking care of every body else and their stuff instead of taking care of me.

  I really started falling apart around 2015. Heroin had tore our family apart. My cousins were all on it their kids were being removed. It was horrible. One cousin called and asked us to take their kids. So we did. I had a lot going on with Jude but these kids needed us. They were our family and we were the only ones that were even stable enough to take them. Family takes care of family. We thought it was going to be a short term thing. It was a very bumpy roller coaster ride. I lost my all of my mental strength.. I wanted to give up. But something just didn't let me. Maybe knowing that these 2 kids and my own 2 kids needed me is what kept me going. I got case management which helped a lot mentally and my doctor medically. I was finally stable again and getting back to a place I could think. So we adopt the kids in April 2018.

  After all that my grandma got very sick and almost died twice.. I was so scared but I held on. Took control like I always do. For some reason when something happens in this family I am the one they all call. Guess it is a good thing I don't know. Sometimes I think it is a curse. Anyway, grandma is sick... She gets out of hospital and comes to stay with me. This was last year. 2018. So after we get her all healed up. We decide it would be best for her to move in with us. She now has an apartment in my garage and she is thriving. LOVE my granny!!!

 So After all this crazy and drama filled life. I woke up one day. I woke up and was like what the hell was that. What have I become. This is not me. I am a badass. I am Amber Fucking Rush!! I do not let things control me!! I am stronger than this. I had been working so hard on my physical self. I had started Golo and lost 40 pounds. and counting!! I was feeling great. Healthier than I have ever felt. If I can fix my body I can fix my mind also. HOW? by being the BITCH I have always been and win!!

 I am not completely healed. BUT I have the tools and the will to live again!! God it feels good to be back! It feels good to look forward to the day again!! It feels good to LOVE myself again!!

 If I can do it!! Anyone can!! We are all Unbreakable!!!!