Anxiety is a BITCH!

Let me start by saying this is probably going to be a long post. Maybe. I know some have heard some thing happened last night at my house. Well I thought I was having heart attack. I was walking through my kitchen and I had a really bad headache and felt dizzy for a minute then I was walking to my bedroom and my right shoulder had a sharp pain going up my neck and down my arm. I laid down for a few minutes because my heart was racing and I was trying to get it to slow down by resting. I had had a very long day yesterday and just thought it was exhaustion After about 5 minutes of resting nothing was better it was actually worse I went into my grandmas room to check my vitals. Blood pressure was high heart rate was around 120.I had pain down my arm and up my neck and my arm was going numb. I was having a heart attack. I told grandma to get me an asprin and get uncle ed. I called 911 they came they did ekg it showed no cardiac issues still transported me to Bloomington did another EKG that was normal. By then my pain was better I could breathe and my vitals were normal. I had, had a really bad anxiety attack.

    So we all know by now I struggle with anxiety and depression. I thought I had it under control. I had kicked the toxic people out of my life I am losing weight and feeling great. I have actually felt happier than I have in years. Then yesterday just right out of the blue BAM. That bitch anxiety had to make an appearance and bring me down a notch. Ya that bitch kicked me right in the head and I am down for the count today. After my episode last night this morning I am super weepy. I just break down and cry. I don't know why. Fuck ya I do it is my depression showing it's ugly ass to. Anyway, I am going to just get shit off my chest. And what better way than my blog. I struggle mentally. I feel stupid about it. I mean what do I have so bad to make me feel this way in my life. Was my child hood really that bad? No it wasn't is my home life bad. No my kids are brats but there is no spousal abuse. I have a wonderful husband I do not deserve. I am very fortunate so why the fuck and I so depressed. Why do I have anxiety so bad I don't get it.

 I want to blame shit I have dealt with in my childhood. I want to blame my mother for not being there ever. I want to blame my father sometimes for raising another womens children instead of me. I know as a child I felt so alone. As a teenager I felt alone, as a young adult I felt alone. And today with a house full of people I feel alone. BUT WHY???  It makes no sense.

  This Saturday is my birthday. The past several days I have sat and thought about how much I have changed since my 40th birthday. I have lost 70 pounds almost. I am a few pounds away I will hit it by next week. I have done some amazing things this past year. I am so very proud of myself. I have also been thinking about how good I was doing mentally. At least I thought I was. I thought I was handling my upcoming birthday pretty good. Every year I usually get so depressed. I hate my birthday. I want to enjoy it again but all I can think about is Jimmy Lee and my grandma Rush. I know they would want me to enjoy it. But my fucking brain is not going to let me. Anyway back on subject.

  This episode last night has shown me that I am not 100% mentally. I have years and years of issues I need to work through and it is going to take longer than a few months. Just since my dad was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer I have taught myself instead of eating when I am anxious or depressed to work out. It has worked up until last night. But like I said earlier it hit me out of no where.

 People tell me I need to talk to someone but when I do go talk to someone like a counselor I do not get anything out of it. I don't feel like I have anymore answers to my questions than I did when I talked. And if I talk to a person I feel like a burden to them or when I talk about the things on my mind I think about how so many people have it so worse. My problems are nothing compared to others and I feel stupid about even talking about it. I even have tried to talk to people about my son and his disease and all I feel form them is pity. I don't want pity. All I want is someone to listen to really listen and not make me feel like I am a burden to them. I know after many read this they will message me and say you can always call me, you can always talk to me. And maybe I will if I feel comfortable enough to actually sit down with you and just fucking let it all out. Everything I have have. It will take a while. LMAO

 I wish I could get my words out so you can understand where I am coming from. Anxiety and depression is so confusing. I hate that I have to live with this. I hate that my son Jude has to live with this alongside his disability.

  Here is what I am going to do. Today hell maybe the rest of the week I am going to take a break. I am going to go lay in a relaxation pod, come home take a hot shower and veg out. This weekend I am hoping me and Troy can just pack up for a night and take some us time away from the kids and stress at home. After I get past this bump in the road I will get right back up on that mental health wagon and working on keeping these things under control. Maybe instead of bottling everything up I should write about it. I don't know if it will help anyone or even help myself but it is worth a shot. I have to be mentally healthy to be physically healthy. And just like my weight loss journey I will take it one day at a time. And I will get where I need to be when it happens. And it will happen.

The Ugly Face of depression

  This mental health stuff is no joke. I have got to get that through my head. I know it can be serious for others. You never think about it being serious for yourself until it is to late or you have a nervous breakdown. Last night I think the stress of everything the worry of everything got the best of me. I am so very thankful it was not a heart attack. I have these kids to raise. I have to get myself healthy!!

I do not have any room to give anyone any advice but I am going to anyway. If you have depression or your feeling overwhelmed or anxious stop and listen to your body and take a minute to gather yourself or you will end up a hott mess!

Holy shit where did time go?

OMG it is that time of year again. I am going to be another year older. I had such a hard time turning 40. I was freaking out. But after I turned 40 I became a different person literally. Like I started eating healthy exercising. Dressing different wearing make up again. Caring what I look like. So Today as I sit here and think about the past year turning 40 was actually a blessing. I am healthier today than I was this time last year. This time last year I couldn't even walk a mile down the road without getting winded. Now I can go 4 or 5 miles and man it feels good to be able to do things you couldn't before. Like jumping jacks, touching my toes, feeling sexy as hell!!

 So since we are coming upon my 41st birthday I have decided this weeks blog which is late will be about some of the most significant birthdays. The ones that left an impact on me or has been one of my favorite memories.

 I will start with my first birthday I really remember. It was 1991 I was turning 12 years old. It was a Friday and I was supposed to go to my dad's for the weekend but he wasn't going to be able to get me. My mom was at work and I was there all by myself. I was so sad and alone. Then all of a sudden here comes Uncle Ed. He comes in and see's me all upset and sits down next to me. Hugs me tells me happy birthday and says well I have a date this evening but why don't you come with us. So Uncle Ed takes me to pick up his then girlfriend Nancy and my Uncle Randy and we go to the old skating rink here in Bloomfield for dinner. They had turned it into a buffet for a short time. Well me and Uncle ed ate every BBQ RIB in that place haha. He made what was going to be a lonely sad birthday into one of the best. We still talk about it. I do know my Uncle is one of the best!! We have had our ups and downs but we have always had a special place for each other. I was his first Niece!! I am the favorite haha. I am so thankful and lucky that my kids get to have him in their lives as well!!

I really don't have many happy memories at my birthday. But another one that is happy and fun was my 19th birthday. We of course had a party out at my grandma Rush's haha. Lots of liquor was drank. Lots of laughs and the best decorated cake ever. Now I can't sit here and go into detail because all I remember is me and Breah wearing matching bras and panties and having a picture taken of us and my stupid cousins taking it to school with them. LOL And I remember Jeff Whitfield laying on the couch puking in a bag. HAHA. I do have pictures I will share just so you can see how much fun we had. And what good friends I had. I miss them all so much!!

The last birthday that I really celebrated with my family was my 20th. It was 1999 and I was so tortured. I was binge drinking Jim Beam depressed like no other. I probably should have been put some where I was in that bad of shape. My grandma Rush was so sick and in the hospital. We had just lost Frog in January and I was so lost. I was so bad drunk days before my birthday that I threw a bottle of whiskey at 2 of my best friends kicked them out of my house then did donuts in my front yard and got my ass beat by my aunt. Just to tell you how low I was.  So getting back to the birthday.

 I remember like it was yesterday. I had on new clothes and had been at the hospital all day with my grandma. I sat and held her hands and cried. Begging her to get better so she could come home and make me a red velvet cake like she did every year. I just wanted her to be better. After I left the hospital I went to my moms where me, her, Dave, my sister, my cousins Josh and Brandi, my grandma Treva and my uncle Jimmy lee celebrated mine and Jimmy Lee's birthdays. Jimmy's birthday is the 21st and mine is the 22nd. I always used to say I was his birthday present. After our party at moms I went to Worthington and me and my friends loaded up and went out to our friend Chris's house. And of course partied it up.

 So here is the main reason's why I no longer like to celebrate my birthday. The reason for years I just got fucked up and cried. The reason why I have not had a happy Birthday in years. No one's fault but my own. I get myself in a funk and I am just so sad. Anyway 2 days after my 20th birthday February 24, 1999 I was at work taking care of the old couple and the phone rings. It is Brandy my step sister telling me I needed to get up to the hospital because they were giving my grandma her last rights. I was freaking out. Thankfully my friend Cheryl just happen to show up right after the call and I got he old lady to bed and we headed for Bloomington. I got up to the 3rd floor and saw my step mom and my mom sitting there. So I go to grandmas room and dad and my Aunt Sharon and Aunt Bec are standing around her upset. I walk in and stand by dad. My Aunts and dad decide to go down stairs for a smoke and leave. I just sit next to grandma and hold her hand. She was so cold and her breathing is so hard. She was gasping for air. My mom and Cheryl come in to be with me so I wasn't alone with her and as I am sitting there holding her hands telling her over and over how sorry I was for being a brat and how much I loved her she takes her last breath. At that moment time kind of stood still.A calm overcame me and everything felt so bright and foggy at the same time. And I swear I felt Frog in that room. I remember telling Cheryl Frog is here. And then it felt like grandma walked right through me and everything was normal again. It was 5:30 pm. I swear she held on long enough for me to be with her. She lasted 30 mins after I got there.

 Ya'll probably think that is the craziest shit you ever heard but it is so true. I have never felt that way again. There is only 2 people I have ever told that to and that is my husband and Breah. Now all of you.

 I know that I shouldn't let this hold me back from celebrating but all these years just have felt wrong without them. That memory of grandma's death was so traumatic for me I never got over it. And every year when it comes February I am an emotional mess. At least I no longer drink and become a belligerent mess. But this year I am going to try really hard to start a new thing where I don't focus on the bad memories but I am

going to focus on making new ones. I will probably never really enjoy a birthday again fully but I can try to at least.

Well there is a look into my life a little. I don't know what anyone can take from this.. Probably nothing but I wanted to share.

Anything is possible!!

Well what a week this has been. I was not sick so that is a plus. I still did not get anything done. I mean it isn't like I don't actually do anything it is just the fact that my kids do not do anything at all to help me clean. Just mess. But I am told that is just what kids do. ERG Maybe one day I will get to have a clean house. Also this week I lost my Uncle Danny. He had a bad heart and did not live the greatest life. It is sad that he is gone because my aunt loved him so much In his older years he wasn't as mean as he was when he was younger and I got to where I liked him and wasn't afraid of him. It was just to bad.

 

 One another note I  did not lose any weight this past week. I did not get any exercise. I did hurt my hand hitting the punching bag. Also I spent some quality time with my uncle. Now this week I have got to kick it in gear. I didn't really have an appetite this week and I am thinking that is why I didn't lose anything. I also didn't get what water I need. So now that your all caught up on my week I have a great blog today. It has been a long time coming and it shows me again anything is possible if you just work hard and put your mind to it!

   So about 4 and a half years ago my cousin Josh called and asked if Troy and I would take their kids. His wife had Over dosed on heroin and DCS was coming to take the kids. His wife was ok thank god. Anyway over the 3 years the kids were in state custody we didn't think they would get clean. My cousin was in jail a lot and eventually went to prison for a few years. The kids mom on the other hand went deeper and deeper into the drug life. There was no coming back it seemed. DCS decided it was time to terminate rights so my cousins and his wife decided to sign over if my husband and I adopted them. So we did. 

 Now over the past 2 years the kids have been with me and my husband. We adopted them April 19, 2018. I had so many mixed emotions about everything and the past almost 2 years have been crazy but things are looking so bright. Now I was the biggest skeptic when it came to my cousin and his wife. He is now out of prison. He did some time in work release and is now on house arrest but we all know if your going to fuck up you will while in work release. So he got a good job he has a nice house and is doing great. We had let the kids see him a few times since we adopted them while he was in work release. 

 The kids have not seen their bio mom in 2 years. She went off the deep end. I know I was so scared for her life. I did not want to have to tell my kids their biological mom was dead. For so long it looked like it would happen. Then after my cousin was at work one day Amanda's dad showed up at his work with her because they were sill married wanting Josh to put her in rehab. I don't know what all was said but I know she said if Josh would talk to her she would go. Josh talked to her. And something great happened. I was pissed. I was so scared she would get him back into drugs and he would go back to prison. He was doing so good!! I was wrong!!

 For weeks while it was hotter than hell Amanda sat in Josh's truck every day. He worked she slept in the truck then at the end of the day her dad got her. This went on for a while. I mean I couldn't believe it. I was still waiting for them to fail. They both kept working kept staying sober. Then around Thanksgiving  Josh calls he got great news he was getting out of work release and was getting to move into a house he had been renting out in the country for months. I was so proud of him and said please don't let Amanda move in with you. I know she is doing good she now had a job and had been sober for 6 months. Longest she had ever been sober. I was still so leery. Well when he got to move into his house there she went with him.   Again  I was scared. But after they lived together for about a month I saw just how good they were doing. We decided it we were going to video chat at Christmas. It went really good. I got to see Amanda face to face basically and I was so happy to see HER!! SHE was Amanda again!! OMG I praised the lord. But of course I was still so scared to let the kids see her in person. Now I am going to tell you what changed my mind about it all.

 So I have come to the conclusion that my weight problem has been because of many issues. I believe I have a food addiction along with stress eating, depression, anxiety. So just here recently I sat down and thought about Josh and Amanda and how they are overcoming their addiction to drugs. I saw that it was not so much different than what I am going through. I mean think about it. What was my go to when I was stressed or upset? What did I crave everyday? Food!! Just like them going to drugs I went to food. It was just like a ton of bricks that hit me right in the face. It was like I woke up and saw things differently once I realized we were not that much different. I have worked really hard the last 11 months on myself. Working on my mental issues that make me think I had to shove that cupcake down my throat. Let me tell you I am by far cured but I have learned to stop and breathe. Don't just run right to the fridge. I am learning to turn to exercise or meditation when I am getting worked up. I tried boxing one time this past week and well that didn't go to well.

  Anyway, the past couple weeks I have sat and thought about all this and Josh has been really wanting us to come see his house and bring the kids so I just said fuck it. Lets do this. Let's give this a try. Let's see if we can be a family again. I mean I know it isn't going to go back to the way it was. You know with Jaden and Sophie going back to them for good and us just giving them up because that will never happen. BUT We can all be parents to Jaden and Sophia. Hell we can all work together to raise all 4 kids. That is what family does. Kids need all the love and support they can get. Yes Josh and Amanda fucked up but they are proving everyday how hard they are working and just how much they want to be in the kids lives. 

 Between all of us and our addictions and our overcoming them and working together to build each other up and becoming the family we are meant to be proves that if you want it bad enough anything is possible. I don't care what your going through. Nothing is impossible. 

When I started my Golo journey I was at rock bottom. I was 320 pounds. Couldn't even go up and down my stairs without getting winded. Now I am 255 pounds and can run up and down my stairs a few times before getting winded.  I was so unhappy. I yelled at the kids a lot. I never got dressed. Hell the only time I left my house was to go to the store and to take kids to and from school. That isn't living. That is just being there. A blob just wasting space. Noe I am living and fucking loving it!! I am happier than I have ever been. My kids are getting happier everyday. My husband is always happy haha. He is so wonderful. We have all came such a long way and it feels so good to be able to enjoy all of our hard work. 

 I will no longer judge a person because of their struggles Instead I am going to build those up that are showing they want it!! Now if you don't show you want it I am not going to even bother. I have wasted so much time trying to get people to be better that didn't want to be. So I am focusing my time on the ones that do want it. I want to continue to better myself and grow. Grow into the person I was meant to be. Be the mother and wife I am meant to be. I am a BEAUTIFUL BADASS!! I am unbreakable and will succeed and so will you if you want it bad enough. My cousins and myself are proof ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!