Holy shit where did time go?

OMG it is that time of year again. I am going to be another year older. I had such a hard time turning 40. I was freaking out. But after I turned 40 I became a different person literally. Like I started eating healthy exercising. Dressing different wearing make up again. Caring what I look like. So Today as I sit here and think about the past year turning 40 was actually a blessing. I am healthier today than I was this time last year. This time last year I couldn't even walk a mile down the road without getting winded. Now I can go 4 or 5 miles and man it feels good to be able to do things you couldn't before. Like jumping jacks, touching my toes, feeling sexy as hell!!

 So since we are coming upon my 41st birthday I have decided this weeks blog which is late will be about some of the most significant birthdays. The ones that left an impact on me or has been one of my favorite memories.

 I will start with my first birthday I really remember. It was 1991 I was turning 12 years old. It was a Friday and I was supposed to go to my dad's for the weekend but he wasn't going to be able to get me. My mom was at work and I was there all by myself. I was so sad and alone. Then all of a sudden here comes Uncle Ed. He comes in and see's me all upset and sits down next to me. Hugs me tells me happy birthday and says well I have a date this evening but why don't you come with us. So Uncle Ed takes me to pick up his then girlfriend Nancy and my Uncle Randy and we go to the old skating rink here in Bloomfield for dinner. They had turned it into a buffet for a short time. Well me and Uncle ed ate every BBQ RIB in that place haha. He made what was going to be a lonely sad birthday into one of the best. We still talk about it. I do know my Uncle is one of the best!! We have had our ups and downs but we have always had a special place for each other. I was his first Niece!! I am the favorite haha. I am so thankful and lucky that my kids get to have him in their lives as well!!

I really don't have many happy memories at my birthday. But another one that is happy and fun was my 19th birthday. We of course had a party out at my grandma Rush's haha. Lots of liquor was drank. Lots of laughs and the best decorated cake ever. Now I can't sit here and go into detail because all I remember is me and Breah wearing matching bras and panties and having a picture taken of us and my stupid cousins taking it to school with them. LOL And I remember Jeff Whitfield laying on the couch puking in a bag. HAHA. I do have pictures I will share just so you can see how much fun we had. And what good friends I had. I miss them all so much!!

The last birthday that I really celebrated with my family was my 20th. It was 1999 and I was so tortured. I was binge drinking Jim Beam depressed like no other. I probably should have been put some where I was in that bad of shape. My grandma Rush was so sick and in the hospital. We had just lost Frog in January and I was so lost. I was so bad drunk days before my birthday that I threw a bottle of whiskey at 2 of my best friends kicked them out of my house then did donuts in my front yard and got my ass beat by my aunt. Just to tell you how low I was.  So getting back to the birthday.

 I remember like it was yesterday. I had on new clothes and had been at the hospital all day with my grandma. I sat and held her hands and cried. Begging her to get better so she could come home and make me a red velvet cake like she did every year. I just wanted her to be better. After I left the hospital I went to my moms where me, her, Dave, my sister, my cousins Josh and Brandi, my grandma Treva and my uncle Jimmy lee celebrated mine and Jimmy Lee's birthdays. Jimmy's birthday is the 21st and mine is the 22nd. I always used to say I was his birthday present. After our party at moms I went to Worthington and me and my friends loaded up and went out to our friend Chris's house. And of course partied it up.

 So here is the main reason's why I no longer like to celebrate my birthday. The reason for years I just got fucked up and cried. The reason why I have not had a happy Birthday in years. No one's fault but my own. I get myself in a funk and I am just so sad. Anyway 2 days after my 20th birthday February 24, 1999 I was at work taking care of the old couple and the phone rings. It is Brandy my step sister telling me I needed to get up to the hospital because they were giving my grandma her last rights. I was freaking out. Thankfully my friend Cheryl just happen to show up right after the call and I got he old lady to bed and we headed for Bloomington. I got up to the 3rd floor and saw my step mom and my mom sitting there. So I go to grandmas room and dad and my Aunt Sharon and Aunt Bec are standing around her upset. I walk in and stand by dad. My Aunts and dad decide to go down stairs for a smoke and leave. I just sit next to grandma and hold her hand. She was so cold and her breathing is so hard. She was gasping for air. My mom and Cheryl come in to be with me so I wasn't alone with her and as I am sitting there holding her hands telling her over and over how sorry I was for being a brat and how much I loved her she takes her last breath. At that moment time kind of stood still.A calm overcame me and everything felt so bright and foggy at the same time. And I swear I felt Frog in that room. I remember telling Cheryl Frog is here. And then it felt like grandma walked right through me and everything was normal again. It was 5:30 pm. I swear she held on long enough for me to be with her. She lasted 30 mins after I got there.

 Ya'll probably think that is the craziest shit you ever heard but it is so true. I have never felt that way again. There is only 2 people I have ever told that to and that is my husband and Breah. Now all of you.

 I know that I shouldn't let this hold me back from celebrating but all these years just have felt wrong without them. That memory of grandma's death was so traumatic for me I never got over it. And every year when it comes February I am an emotional mess. At least I no longer drink and become a belligerent mess. But this year I am going to try really hard to start a new thing where I don't focus on the bad memories but I am

going to focus on making new ones. I will probably never really enjoy a birthday again fully but I can try to at least.

Well there is a look into my life a little. I don't know what anyone can take from this.. Probably nothing but I wanted to share.