Anxiety is a BITCH!

Let me start by saying this is probably going to be a long post. Maybe. I know some have heard some thing happened last night at my house. Well I thought I was having heart attack. I was walking through my kitchen and I had a really bad headache and felt dizzy for a minute then I was walking to my bedroom and my right shoulder had a sharp pain going up my neck and down my arm. I laid down for a few minutes because my heart was racing and I was trying to get it to slow down by resting. I had had a very long day yesterday and just thought it was exhaustion After about 5 minutes of resting nothing was better it was actually worse I went into my grandmas room to check my vitals. Blood pressure was high heart rate was around 120.I had pain down my arm and up my neck and my arm was going numb. I was having a heart attack. I told grandma to get me an asprin and get uncle ed. I called 911 they came they did ekg it showed no cardiac issues still transported me to Bloomington did another EKG that was normal. By then my pain was better I could breathe and my vitals were normal. I had, had a really bad anxiety attack.

    So we all know by now I struggle with anxiety and depression. I thought I had it under control. I had kicked the toxic people out of my life I am losing weight and feeling great. I have actually felt happier than I have in years. Then yesterday just right out of the blue BAM. That bitch anxiety had to make an appearance and bring me down a notch. Ya that bitch kicked me right in the head and I am down for the count today. After my episode last night this morning I am super weepy. I just break down and cry. I don't know why. Fuck ya I do it is my depression showing it's ugly ass to. Anyway, I am going to just get shit off my chest. And what better way than my blog. I struggle mentally. I feel stupid about it. I mean what do I have so bad to make me feel this way in my life. Was my child hood really that bad? No it wasn't is my home life bad. No my kids are brats but there is no spousal abuse. I have a wonderful husband I do not deserve. I am very fortunate so why the fuck and I so depressed. Why do I have anxiety so bad I don't get it.

 I want to blame shit I have dealt with in my childhood. I want to blame my mother for not being there ever. I want to blame my father sometimes for raising another womens children instead of me. I know as a child I felt so alone. As a teenager I felt alone, as a young adult I felt alone. And today with a house full of people I feel alone. BUT WHY???  It makes no sense.

  This Saturday is my birthday. The past several days I have sat and thought about how much I have changed since my 40th birthday. I have lost 70 pounds almost. I am a few pounds away I will hit it by next week. I have done some amazing things this past year. I am so very proud of myself. I have also been thinking about how good I was doing mentally. At least I thought I was. I thought I was handling my upcoming birthday pretty good. Every year I usually get so depressed. I hate my birthday. I want to enjoy it again but all I can think about is Jimmy Lee and my grandma Rush. I know they would want me to enjoy it. But my fucking brain is not going to let me. Anyway back on subject.

  This episode last night has shown me that I am not 100% mentally. I have years and years of issues I need to work through and it is going to take longer than a few months. Just since my dad was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer I have taught myself instead of eating when I am anxious or depressed to work out. It has worked up until last night. But like I said earlier it hit me out of no where.

 People tell me I need to talk to someone but when I do go talk to someone like a counselor I do not get anything out of it. I don't feel like I have anymore answers to my questions than I did when I talked. And if I talk to a person I feel like a burden to them or when I talk about the things on my mind I think about how so many people have it so worse. My problems are nothing compared to others and I feel stupid about even talking about it. I even have tried to talk to people about my son and his disease and all I feel form them is pity. I don't want pity. All I want is someone to listen to really listen and not make me feel like I am a burden to them. I know after many read this they will message me and say you can always call me, you can always talk to me. And maybe I will if I feel comfortable enough to actually sit down with you and just fucking let it all out. Everything I have have. It will take a while. LMAO

 I wish I could get my words out so you can understand where I am coming from. Anxiety and depression is so confusing. I hate that I have to live with this. I hate that my son Jude has to live with this alongside his disability.

  Here is what I am going to do. Today hell maybe the rest of the week I am going to take a break. I am going to go lay in a relaxation pod, come home take a hot shower and veg out. This weekend I am hoping me and Troy can just pack up for a night and take some us time away from the kids and stress at home. After I get past this bump in the road I will get right back up on that mental health wagon and working on keeping these things under control. Maybe instead of bottling everything up I should write about it. I don't know if it will help anyone or even help myself but it is worth a shot. I have to be mentally healthy to be physically healthy. And just like my weight loss journey I will take it one day at a time. And I will get where I need to be when it happens. And it will happen.

The Ugly Face of depression

  This mental health stuff is no joke. I have got to get that through my head. I know it can be serious for others. You never think about it being serious for yourself until it is to late or you have a nervous breakdown. Last night I think the stress of everything the worry of everything got the best of me. I am so very thankful it was not a heart attack. I have these kids to raise. I have to get myself healthy!!

I do not have any room to give anyone any advice but I am going to anyway. If you have depression or your feeling overwhelmed or anxious stop and listen to your body and take a minute to gather yourself or you will end up a hott mess!