You Gotta Let go To Heal!!

 What a week. I am so exhausted still from it. Monday I had to take my dad to a dietitian that took for ever it seemed haha. Then Tuesday I went and had my hair done. Wednesday I took dad to his first Chemo treatment. Thursday and Friday I was so sore and so tired I did nothing after I got my house work some what caught up. I have been in a lot of pain this week in my back and side. It is muscular I think it is from sitting in a massage chair (which I have sat in before and had same reaction just didn't learn my lesson haha) then sitting at the hospital for 4 hours the next day. Was just to much. I didn't lose any weight I actually gained 2 pounds but your body fluctuates all the time so next week I will probably be back down those 2 pounds.

 I have decided this weeks blog is going to be about my feeling growing up. I am just letting go of all the bitterness and hurt feelings. I have learned lately that letting go of the negative things and people is what you have to do to heal yourself. For so many years I have held on to so many negative feelings it consumed me. I was not living. I am not healed completely I am just starting that process. It is baby steps it may take years for me to completely heal form the scares on my soul.  No one wants me to talk about this but I feel I have to let it out to let it go.

  So it is no secret there is bad blood between me and my mom. We are not close. We never have been. When I was born she just didn't bond with me. She had horrible post partum depression and back then no one knew what that was. People would say she just doesn't act like a new mom. It is sad to think about it. I mean having a baby and not feeling anything towards it. Your not excited. nothing.  Anyway, she ended up leaving my dad for another man and my grandparents ended up raising me for the most part.

   I am not going to go into a lot of detail about the hurtful things I endured when I did live with my mom. I will say she was hateful to me a lot. I was mentally abused on a daily bases. When I first went to live with her I remember being a young child like 8 and I was sitting on the front porch and my little sister saying she didn't want me there and my mom saying I know but she has to be.  I never felt welcome in my own home. Well what was supposed to be my home.

 While living there my sister and I had to watch her be beat by her then husband. My sisters dad. He was a drunk. Very abusive to her. Not us kids. He never laid a hand on either of us. She finally got smart when he went to prison once and left. Never went back. We ended up living next door to my grandma and grandpa for a while. I loved that because I could go HOME every day. I just was comforted being close to the place I have lived most of my life. I was about 11 then.

  When we lived there my mom worked nights at Burger king. I stayed home a lot with it just being me and my sister. Which we were next door to grandma and grandpa so it was not like we were completely alone. I will say she did work to make sure we were taken care of. She did what had to be done.

  There were times we would go somewhere like to the mall like tax time and my sister would get a brand new pair of expensive new shoes and I always got cheap shit. I didn't want high top Nike's or anything like that but I was not even offered. If I did see something I liked it was to much. Things like that have a big impact on kids. People just do not understand it. It makes that kid feel like they aren't good enough to have something that nice. I felt left out a lot.

  When I turned 16 I left. I went to my dads I ran wild I partied I let loose I rebelled badly.

So that is how I felt threw some of it. Enough about my younger years.  As an adult my feelings never left. I have had so much resentment towards her for so many years.

 When I had Jude I wrote her a letter telling her I would never be the kind of mother she was to me. I would love him with everything I am and never let him feel unwanted like I felt for so long.  She has never admitted of doing anything wrong. For a long time I just let it slide. My feelings were hurt a lot. I mean she was basically raising my sisters kids for a little bit while she was having a hard time.  She was always doing something with my niece and nephew and never evening coming to visit my son. To me it was always and has always been about my sister and her kids.

   It never got better. She would come to birthdays and holidays but she don't come see her grand kids ever. Even after Jude was diagnosed I thought maybe she would want to be in his life but that didn't change either. I had Brodie still nothing. Thank god for grandma. I had c-sections and she came to stay with me and help me.  When we got Jaden and Sophie she told me she would help me with them since I have so much going on with Jude. In 5 years she came and took Jaden shopping for school clothes one time. She is just not a good mother to me or grandma to my kids.

  Now with that said and out in the open. Starting this year I decided anything that brought me down. Made me feel bad about myself I was going to kick it to the curb. I did that with my cousin at the end of last year and now I have done the same to my mother. I do not hate her. I love her. But I will no longer let the way I have always been treated by her control my life. I will no longer let anything negative bring me down. I am no longer going to let myself play a victim to something I can not control not more than the weather.

 I am not writing this to get anyone to feel sorry for me. Or hell you may think I was just being a baby because I wasn't loved enough. Whatever the case. I wrote this to start the process of healing myself.  There were so many more things that just don't need to be dredged up. All it does is open old wounds and I do not want to do that. I am not writing this to hurt my mother or anyone else for that matter. I am not calling her out I just want closer.

  Here is to moving forward and getting on with your life. I know there are lots of people out there who were not treated well by their parents. Whether you were beat or mentally abused or sexually abused. Whatever the case. don't let it take your life over. try to work through the healing process. Try to let go of the hate and bitterness. You can not love yourself and live life  if your consumed with all the pain from the past. You can't change it so why keep living in it? It has taken me so long to realize this. 

  I am going to close today with the thoughts of peace. Peace in my heart, my mind and most importantly the peace in my soul. I know this year is going to bring good things. Kick anything and everything negative out of your life and heart and live!!

You are never alone!! And there is never a good enough excuse to not love yourself!! Be a fucking BEAUTIFUL BADASS BABY!!

Love, live, be positive!! Makes life so much better!!

 What a week this has been. It has been an amazing week!! First off my dad had 2 different scans on his body. There was no signs of cancer that showed up on them. He will be doing chemo 1 day a week for 3 weeks on 1 week off for 4 months. Then rechecked. We couldn't have gotten better news on that. Also, I lost 2.5 pounds on weigh in day 1/2 an inch. I worked out 4 out of 7 days. My Food intake was great and water was not bad. Also I was able to touch my toes again!! So I have had a wonderful week. Now I am going to tell you about some things that I have been thinking about. The changes I have made over the past year.


So January last year like others I was going to change my ways. I was going to get healthy but guess what it didn't happen. At least in January or February and half of March was a waste to.See back around Christmas of 2018 I let someone come around because well it was Christmas and I had a soft heart for this person and it backfired on me. This person was always like a baby sister to me. Drugs took her away from our family a few years ago and well we know how addicts are. Make us feel guilty for not helping them ect. ect. She knew exactly how to get to me. Anyway, long story short. I let her back in. big mistake!!

 Skip to March, 2019. I am finally over the disappointment of my addict and decide to move on and I find GOLO. That was like a big turning point in my life. I not only started getting more social I was looking at things more positively.  Life was going smoothly. Yes it was still chaos with the kids. That is just life.

I know I skip around a lot and I am not going to go into anymore detail about what brings so much negative vibes to me but I will say just hearing this persons name brings me into a complete funk for days. If they call I shut down for hours. They are the negative in my life and I had to cut it off for good to help myself.

  In December 2019 I told myself I was not going to let any negativity back into my life. Whether it is a person or news anything. I am looking into life positively. So far this year it has been good. I am on day 12 of living positively and my soul feels good. I am learning that negative thinking and people only make us like them. Who wants to live day to day only thinking of the bad things when there is so much good to see.

  Think about it. Think about what is the worst thing in your life? What is the best thing in your life?

For me The worst thing in my life is Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. One of the best things in my life is My son Jude who has the worst thing in my life. Now I can not get rid of DMD. It is not ever going to go anywhere and it is going to eventually take one of the best things in my life away.  For the longest time I focused on the bad part and lost site of what was important. Do you know what it is like to live day to day only focusing on the fact that your child will die before you more than likely? It is not good!! You don't enjoy the life. You don't enjoy your child when it is the most important thing to do. Your scared of every little ache every little sneeze. I am sorry but that is not living. That is being a prisoner of your own negative mind.

  I have been looking at how I lived these past 10 years in a funk and how I missed to much. My eyes have been opened to see that things can be so much worse. Why focus on the bad things when the good outweighs it by so much more. I am going to embrace this life. I am going to embrace DMD and not let it ruin what time I do have with my Jude.

  One of the reason I decided to start this blog was to share some of the things that effect my life. I want people who look at their lives and think it is so bad it is so tough I can't do this. I can't succeed I can't do this or that. Know there are things that could be so much worse. Embrace the good. Embrace the positive it makes life so much more rewarding. It makes life so much more happy and worth while.

  Now I am going to ask every person who reads this to look at  What is Duchenne? Click that link or Google it and see what my son has to deal with on a day to day. See what a parent has to watch their baby go through. Read and know no matter what you are going through no matter what someone you love it going through there are no excuses to make your life better.

Make your life positive and happy. It is all up to you!! Only you can make that happen. And when you do you won't regret it. You will slowly start to heal, love yourself and be able to enjoy the things you have been missing out on.  I like to say let your light shine. We all have it lets show it!!

Feb. 2019                 Jan. 2020

When I was younger

Hello fellow Badasses!! If you are reading this then you that means you are following me on my journey and thinking about or already starting your journey. Let me tell ya this is hard work. It does not come over night and your going to fuck up some days. That is life.   We got this!!

 So this week I will tell you about how my week went and also a little about myself. I am thinking today I am going to tell you all a few stories that are fun from when I was growing up. So you can get to know me. The real me.

 So I was raised in 2 different towns I guess you can call them. I like to think of them as worlds because one was very rural and one was a small country town. For most of my young life I lived between my grandparents and my mothers. My younger years were with my grandparents until I was in about 3rd grade. Then stayed mostly with my mom. I am not going to go into a whole lot of detail because I have some harsh memories of not being treated the greatest. I am working on those feelings from back then right now along with my weight loss. Past is the past. No more Negativity in my life!!

 Ok so I am moving on I want to tell a few stories of the crazy stories.




So before I went to live with my mom I lived with my grandma and grandpa. They spoiled me rotten. I can remember once when I was probably first grade maybe grandpa and Jimmy lee my uncle were going to go to the Greene County Inn for breakfast and then go cut wood over around the Owensburg area. Well I wanted to go to breakfast and grandpa said I had to go to the woods with them if I went to breakfast he wasn't going to bring me back home. I said ok so grandma got me bundled up and off we went. Well we got to the woods and guess what? Little princess Amber wanted to go home. I was at the truck with Jimmy Lee because he was loading what was cut and I asked him how we were going to get out of the woods. He said he didn't know we were lost. So I told him I was going to go look for a way out. He said ok. So off I went trucking through the woods. I guess I have good sense of direction because I found the woods opening at the highway and I remember calling out I found the way out. When no one answered I thought well I am not to far from Grandma Ferns house I am going to walk there. I know grandma is there and it will be warm. So off I went walking down the highway. About 6 years old. I will tell you this I do not have a sense of
distance because I was miles away from my great grandmas house. I guess after I was gone a while and grandpa noticed he about died. He had police and every person in this county looking for me. He is the one who actually found me he was at a station and someone said I just saw a little girl walking down the highway about that size. He shot down there and got me. I thought for sure I was going to get my ass beat off. But he grabbed me hugged me cried and took me home. I remember pulling into the drive way and grandma running out to me. When we got inside grandpa wanted to whip me for scaring him so bad but grandma wouldn't let him. Instead I got Ice Cream.

    Later when I was older and had my licence and lived with my mom, her boyfriend stayed up in the city at a motel 6 a lot because she was a manager. My sister and I stayed back home in the country by ourselves. OMG I was 16 she was 13 and we were wild cats. One night while we were alone we decided to take my uncles girlfriends sisters car out for a joy ride. It was being repo'ed so they were hiding it out where we lived. Very dumb of them to leave the keys. We took that car up this mountain basically to a friend who lived way up in the woods. We destroyed that car and didn't even know it. There was great big ruts in the road and it tore that oil pan up. We did not get in trouble for it for some reason.  Another time we were unsupervised we decided we were going to go egg our bus drivers bus. So we get up to the bus it is the middle of the night and my sister is sitting on the door through the window getting ready to throw it and I freak out and hit the gas. Well she falls out of the car and I didn't even know it. I looked over and she was gone so I stopped looked in the mirror and she is dying laughing running for the car. Dear lord I am surprised someone didn't die. We were so awful!!

   I have so many more stories of crazy things me and my sister did. I have a whole book of things I did after I moved to Worthington.. I am really thinking about doing a series of my shenanigans of those years. Those years were some of the best of my life.


   To be Continued........

New Year, New Goals, New You!

                                                   

                                                          Happy New Year everyone!!

  I hope everyone had a wonderful few weeks during the Holiday Season. I personally did not. During the Holidays a like a lot of others I was so depressed. It didn't help I forgot to take my meds for a few days. But now I am good. So this is my first blog of the year. I am going to tell you all my goals I would like to achieve this year.

   My Goals For This Year
1. lose at least 50 more pounds this next year.
2. Exercise 4 days a week
3. start a new healthy habit every month that will benefit me psychically, mentally or spiritually.
4. Work on being a better mother, and wife.
6. Keep my house clean to my standards and not let the kids destroy it!!
7. fold laundry out of the dryer.
8. Keep laundry washed up!!
9. Work on my issues that causes my depression and anxiety.
10. Be the badass I know I am!!


 So it seems like a lot but it really isn't and they are all something I can do. If you put your mind to it anything is possible. I have learned you can make a new habit happen if you do it for 21 days. Then it becomes something you just do.

 The past few days I have had several people reach out to me about wanting to start their journey on weightloss, working on quitting smoking, getting their anxiety under control, starting their own blog. It has been so heart warming knowing I am inspiring others to do what they need and want to do but never got the motivation to do it before. This is my dream. I want to inspire others to succeed. It doesn't matter what you have gone through or are going through you can succeed.

 I am by far no expert and can only tell you from my experience's what I have done and what I do when I am struggling. What may work for me may not work for you but what can it hurt to try. This year I will be trying new things to get my shit together. I have found when I am starting to have an anxiety attack I put my shoes on and head to the road. I walk. Jam out to grunge and walk. It helped so much. I have also laid in bed blaring Marylin Manson or Pink Floyd on my headphones and just zoned out. It helped me to breathe. I have lave learned you have to breathe to live. Just sit back and take a deep breath.

 I am going to recommend sitting down and making a list of things you have struggled with the past year and you want to improve this year. Make them simple things. Write your goals and around when you want to achieve them. Then start a journal. I am also going to take a selfie of myself every day for the year. Then next New Year I can see just how much I changed. Just

take it one day at a time. You can not change over night. You didn't get fucked up over night. You didn't get fat over night. It takes time to heal and it takes time to succeed.

 If anyone who is reading any of my blogs (which sometimes probably make no sense haha). And you want to reach out to me to talk or vent or whatever feel free to. You can follow me on facebook @  amber.myers also on instagram . You can also join my accountability group.  Bad a$$ accountability support group

I am making this a short entry. I will post once a week for this year. I am so excited starting a new chapter in my life. Here's to all of us!! We got this!!