You Gotta Let go To Heal!!

 What a week. I am so exhausted still from it. Monday I had to take my dad to a dietitian that took for ever it seemed haha. Then Tuesday I went and had my hair done. Wednesday I took dad to his first Chemo treatment. Thursday and Friday I was so sore and so tired I did nothing after I got my house work some what caught up. I have been in a lot of pain this week in my back and side. It is muscular I think it is from sitting in a massage chair (which I have sat in before and had same reaction just didn't learn my lesson haha) then sitting at the hospital for 4 hours the next day. Was just to much. I didn't lose any weight I actually gained 2 pounds but your body fluctuates all the time so next week I will probably be back down those 2 pounds.

 I have decided this weeks blog is going to be about my feeling growing up. I am just letting go of all the bitterness and hurt feelings. I have learned lately that letting go of the negative things and people is what you have to do to heal yourself. For so many years I have held on to so many negative feelings it consumed me. I was not living. I am not healed completely I am just starting that process. It is baby steps it may take years for me to completely heal form the scares on my soul.  No one wants me to talk about this but I feel I have to let it out to let it go.

  So it is no secret there is bad blood between me and my mom. We are not close. We never have been. When I was born she just didn't bond with me. She had horrible post partum depression and back then no one knew what that was. People would say she just doesn't act like a new mom. It is sad to think about it. I mean having a baby and not feeling anything towards it. Your not excited. nothing.  Anyway, she ended up leaving my dad for another man and my grandparents ended up raising me for the most part.

   I am not going to go into a lot of detail about the hurtful things I endured when I did live with my mom. I will say she was hateful to me a lot. I was mentally abused on a daily bases. When I first went to live with her I remember being a young child like 8 and I was sitting on the front porch and my little sister saying she didn't want me there and my mom saying I know but she has to be.  I never felt welcome in my own home. Well what was supposed to be my home.

 While living there my sister and I had to watch her be beat by her then husband. My sisters dad. He was a drunk. Very abusive to her. Not us kids. He never laid a hand on either of us. She finally got smart when he went to prison once and left. Never went back. We ended up living next door to my grandma and grandpa for a while. I loved that because I could go HOME every day. I just was comforted being close to the place I have lived most of my life. I was about 11 then.

  When we lived there my mom worked nights at Burger king. I stayed home a lot with it just being me and my sister. Which we were next door to grandma and grandpa so it was not like we were completely alone. I will say she did work to make sure we were taken care of. She did what had to be done.

  There were times we would go somewhere like to the mall like tax time and my sister would get a brand new pair of expensive new shoes and I always got cheap shit. I didn't want high top Nike's or anything like that but I was not even offered. If I did see something I liked it was to much. Things like that have a big impact on kids. People just do not understand it. It makes that kid feel like they aren't good enough to have something that nice. I felt left out a lot.

  When I turned 16 I left. I went to my dads I ran wild I partied I let loose I rebelled badly.

So that is how I felt threw some of it. Enough about my younger years.  As an adult my feelings never left. I have had so much resentment towards her for so many years.

 When I had Jude I wrote her a letter telling her I would never be the kind of mother she was to me. I would love him with everything I am and never let him feel unwanted like I felt for so long.  She has never admitted of doing anything wrong. For a long time I just let it slide. My feelings were hurt a lot. I mean she was basically raising my sisters kids for a little bit while she was having a hard time.  She was always doing something with my niece and nephew and never evening coming to visit my son. To me it was always and has always been about my sister and her kids.

   It never got better. She would come to birthdays and holidays but she don't come see her grand kids ever. Even after Jude was diagnosed I thought maybe she would want to be in his life but that didn't change either. I had Brodie still nothing. Thank god for grandma. I had c-sections and she came to stay with me and help me.  When we got Jaden and Sophie she told me she would help me with them since I have so much going on with Jude. In 5 years she came and took Jaden shopping for school clothes one time. She is just not a good mother to me or grandma to my kids.

  Now with that said and out in the open. Starting this year I decided anything that brought me down. Made me feel bad about myself I was going to kick it to the curb. I did that with my cousin at the end of last year and now I have done the same to my mother. I do not hate her. I love her. But I will no longer let the way I have always been treated by her control my life. I will no longer let anything negative bring me down. I am no longer going to let myself play a victim to something I can not control not more than the weather.

 I am not writing this to get anyone to feel sorry for me. Or hell you may think I was just being a baby because I wasn't loved enough. Whatever the case. I wrote this to start the process of healing myself.  There were so many more things that just don't need to be dredged up. All it does is open old wounds and I do not want to do that. I am not writing this to hurt my mother or anyone else for that matter. I am not calling her out I just want closer.

  Here is to moving forward and getting on with your life. I know there are lots of people out there who were not treated well by their parents. Whether you were beat or mentally abused or sexually abused. Whatever the case. don't let it take your life over. try to work through the healing process. Try to let go of the hate and bitterness. You can not love yourself and live life  if your consumed with all the pain from the past. You can't change it so why keep living in it? It has taken me so long to realize this. 

  I am going to close today with the thoughts of peace. Peace in my heart, my mind and most importantly the peace in my soul. I know this year is going to bring good things. Kick anything and everything negative out of your life and heart and live!!

You are never alone!! And there is never a good enough excuse to not love yourself!! Be a fucking BEAUTIFUL BADASS BABY!!