Just me redo

So earlier I made a blog about my past. I deleted it because it's just that the past. I do not live in the past anymore. So instead of telling about my child hood. I am just going to tell you about me. What I have done in my life that has lead me to who I am today. It may be in more than one post. It may all come out in this one. I really don't know yet. But I am not going to talk about my childhood. I do not want to hurt anyone by dredging up shit that can't be changed and that is over. I am a grown ass woman and I am a bad ass through and through.

  So I suffer from depression and anxiety pretty bad. Right now I have it under control for the most part.  I take meds and I am working on a healthier me. I do an amazing program called Golo that has also helped with my depression.

 I have been told I was a depressed child. I can see why. I know I was a depressed teenager but most teens are depressed. I did  not handle mine very well back then. I was very defiant. I drank a lot of beer. I ran around all hours of the night and did whatever I wanted. At the time I lived with my grandma Rush. She babied me so bad.

  When I turned 20 my grandma who I lived with Died 2 days after my birthday. I couldn't handle it. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. That sent me into a downward spiral that no one could help me get out of. I was so weak minded. I literally wanted to die. I wanted to be laid right next to her. I felt like I had no one. No one that loved me. No one I could turn to. I did have people I just didn't see them. I felt so alone for so long. That year was one of the  worst years of my life.

 It was 1999. In January a good fiend of mine had been killed in a house fire. He was a volunteer fire fighter. Frog. He was like a big brother. Then in February my grandma dies from cancer. And I had another major loss in August that year my Uncle Jimmy Lee was also killed in a house fire. He had went to sleep and his air conditioner shorted out setting his house on fire. He had burns over 80% of his body. He died of smoke inhalation.  So for my young mind I totally lost it.

 So after all the heartache I endured that year I just kind lived in a fog. I worked, partied, worked, partied. I pushed away friends. Family. Everyone really. Even my very best friend Breah. I never should have because she was always there for me. She was more a friend we became soul sisters. And will be for life!!

  I moved from the town I lived in to the town I live in now about 4 years after my grandma passed. I actually moved above a bar. Imagine that. Easy access to the party and didn't have to worry about drinking and driving home. But something amazing happened while I lived there. I met my soul mate. Troy.  I immediately moved from that place in with a friend who introduced us.

  I became pregnant with our first child. While pregnant I gained a lot of weight. I never got that off. After we had our first child we got pregnant 2 more times but miscarried. That piled on more heartache and depression. That lead to eating and feeling sorry for myself.  Then the worst thing possible happened. My son was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. But we found out I was not a carrier so we had another child. My baby Brodie. I was happy. My life was good besides the paralyzing diagnosis of my oldest.

   When Brodie was about 3 I started working out. I was doing a program called Idealshape. I did great I lost 40 pounds quick. Then The shit hit the fan. I got a call from one of my cousins. The CPS was going taking their kids away and wanted to know if I would take them. Of course I said yes. Family takes care of family. Plus I figured it would be like a 3 month stint. Boy was I wrong. Over the past 5 years I have had some severe depression and anxiety. My now daughter was horribly behaved. So that set my anxiety and depression through the roof.

 And all that weight I had lost came back and then some. I was so miserable. I know there were days I just sat on my couch and would eat an entire box of swiss cake rolls. It was awful. I had days when I would go to the doctor crying I told him I knew why people killed themselves now. Boy he didn't waste any time getting me fixed up. He helped me get my depression under control. We ended up adopting the 2 children. and I continued to be fat.

 To some my life seems like a soap opera. And well shit it is. Everyone has family drama. But over the last 7 months I have learned so much. I have learned to stop and breath and don't let everyone Else's shit drag you down. I heave learned to take care of my own shit. I have learned to take control of myself again. When I was young I had all kinds of attitude. I would walk into a room like I owned it. I had no fear. It may have been the alcohol I don't know.

 But today I feel like I am me. The real me. I am feeling more confident. I am eating healthy. I am working out. I am down 55 pounds. I am taking control of issues that need to be taken control of. I am not living in the past I am not letting my depression win!! This post may be kind of all over the place. It is supposed to be about how I became heavy and how I am taking care of it now. It is supposed to show how much depression can control your life.

 If anyone gets anything out of this post. I want it to be. Don't let your brain take over your life. If you do you will fall in that hole and let me tell you it took me so many years to get out of it.  Now that I have the right tools to do what needs to be done I will never look back!! I will continue to be the bad ass I was born to be. I will kick this weights ass. I will kick depression and anxiety to the curb. I will succeed.